CAST
THE KING: a bored and lazy king
THE VIZIER: the king’s advisor
COURTIER: a messenger with a kitten
RAVENSMEISTER: the master of the ravens
A royal medieval court with a throne.
Trumpets blare. The king enters his hall looking groggy, carrying a cup of coffee and a half-eaten danish, and takes his throne.
VIZIER
Hail your Grace! If your Grace is feeling up to it this morning, perhaps you would like to review the annual reports for battlements upkeep and trebuchet maintenance? Or perhaps the pirate attacks on the…
KING
First, I shall receive the royal feed.
VIZIER
Very good, your Grace.
(pulls out a scroll)
The Royal Feed shall commence thusly. First comes news from Castle Ethermore. Good Lady Constance has given birth to her third child, a boy. It is a miscreant.
KING
Hmmm, a miscreant boy, eh? Doth she send any sketches of the child?
VIZIER
She does, your Grace.
VIZIER hands a drawing to the KING. He studies it.
KING
Mmm, yes, he is horribly misshapen. Well, tell her I… (makes thumbs up gesture) like it.
VIZIER
Very good, your Grace. I’m sure Lady Constance will be thrilled for your support. (Beat)
Next, I have news from the Abbey…
VIZIER unveils a plate of food.
VIZIER (CON’T)
Prelate Torvig has butchered a hog, cooked it himself according to a “super simple recipe” in the codex, and plated it with sprigs of thyme and a ration of garlicked tubers. He has pronounced it “amazing.”
KING
Well it doesn’t look appetizing to me, not on that plate. I do NOT like it. Next.
VIZIER
Very good, your Grace, moving on. Ah, here we are: The Earl of Blasterberry reports that he has just arrived at a brothel in Wormswood.
KING
Haha! That old rogue! I should have known Blasterberry would be wiggling his worm in Wormswood! Haha! Tell him I like it.
VIZIER
Right away, your Grace!
KING
Oooh, ooh—and tell him “What happens in Wormswood stays in Wormswood!” He’ll like that.
VIZIER
Yes, your Grace. A masterful comment.
Enter COURTIER, holding a kitten and a paper sack.
VIZIER
Your grace, the next matter on the Royal Feed comes via a courtier from the Duchy of Barrington.
COURTIER
Your Grace, The Duke of Barrington likes watching this kitten get his head stuck in a burlap sack. His sister Lady Harriet, upon viewing the spectacle, has remarked, “Oh my God, this kitten is so F-ing adorable!”
COURTIER sets the kitten and the burlap sack on the ground. KING watches kitten get its
head stuck in the sack.
KING
Hmm. Oh. Ahahaha. Oh my. That IS adorable. I like it. And I like Lady Harriet’s pronouncement. In fact, I like it so much I’m going to save this silly kitten in my royal archive!
GUARD enterS and removes COURTIER.
VIZIER
Next up your Grace, an update from Squire Gladby Selvington…
KING
Gladby Selvington? Who the blazes is that?
VIZIER
He is the boy who was suckled on the same wet nurse as you thirty years ago, your Grace. I don’t believe you have ever met him.
KING
Oh right. Him. Continue.
VIZIER
Squire Selvington is pleased to inform you that he has just been accepted to study canon law at the University of Salamanca next spring. He reports being “stoked.” He also inquires whether anyone happens to know of lodging in the vicinity.
KING
Ugh. Who cares? Next!
Enter RAVENSMEISTER, out of breath.
RAVENSMEISTER
Your Grace, I’m sorry to interrupt...
KING
Well, what is it?
RAVENSMEISTER
Your Grace, I have just received word by raven that the Earl of Blasterberry likes your adage: “What happens in Wormswood stays in Wormswood.”
KING
Haha! I knew he would, that rascal.
Exit Ravensmeister.
KING
Pray, continue.
VIZIER
Your Grace, your conservative uncle, the Count of Crackerjacks, wishes to let it be known that holy matrimony is between a man and woman, or a man and a girl, or a clergyman and his catamite, or a shepherd and an ungulate, but NEVER, under NO circumstances between a woman and a woman, because our holy savior and redeemer the lord god…
KING
Ugh, enough of that trash! I don’t get it-- I keep having my uncle’s messengers locked in the dungeon and yet they still keep popping up. So annoying. Maybe I should banish him. Can he tell if I have banished him?
VIZIER
Not if you lead him into the woods first, your Grace, and then unfollow him from the woods.
KING
Good, do that.
VIZIER
Yes, your Grace. I’ll see to it. Would you like me to continue with the Royal Feed?
KING
No, I’ve had all I can bear for now.
VIZIER
Well, then, would your Grace perhaps like to go over those plans for minimizing deaths from next year’s plague?
KING
Not yet. I think I need to clear my head first with the witnessing of several sex acts.
VIZIER
Very good. And will your Grace be going incognito?
KING
Yes, of course.
The VIZIER hands the KING a burglar mask and a fedora.
VIZIER
(Shouting)
Send in the royal MILFS and the long-penised delivery boy!
Blackout.
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