Sketch: Exciting News

CAST

FELICITY: a proud friend and mom of sorts

ALAN: a proud friend and dad of sorts, Felicity’s husband

SIMON: a jilted, fun-loving friend

TINA: another jilted fun-loving friend, Simon’s wife

Setting: a hip restaurant in the Mission on a Saturday night.

            Alan and Felicity sit at the table opposite their friends Tina and Simon.

FELICITY

So guys, Alan and I have some exciting news…

           

            Alan puts his arm around Felicity.

TINA

            (turning to Simon in a panic)

Crap, honey, is this what I think it is?

SIMON

            (wincing)

Oh god, I think so.

           

Simon interlaces his hand with Tina’s to brace for the news.

FELICITY/ALAN                                                                                                                               

We’re friends with your parents!                                             

TINA

Wait, what did you say?

ALAN

We’ve become friends with your parents!

FELICITY

Like best friends!

SIMON

So you’re not having a baby?

FELICITY

No way, not us. I’m totally barren and Alan’s got a kink in his hose.

SIMON

And you’re not moving to Portland?

            Alan and Felicity shake their heads.

TINA

But... why are you friends with our parents?

ALAN

Uh… because they’re wonderful people and they bring joy to our lives.

SIMON

My parents?

FELICITY

Yours and Tina’s both. Frank, Alice, Duncan, and Barbara-- they are all so adorable. I can’t even imagine what our life would be like without them.

SIMON

Uh… I don’t know what to say. Are you guys hanging out like a lot?

FELICITY

Like pretty much every day. We actually wanted to have dinner with you guys tonight to tell you the big news…

            Tina and Simon brace themselves again.

SIMON

Oh god, you bought a house in Pleasanton, didn’t you...

FELICITY/ALAN

Your parents moved in with us!

TINA

What? Are you serious?

SIMON

This is weird.

FELICITY

I know it’s a big transition. We barely finished painting their room and putting together the bed before they arrived. Bonkers!

TINA

            (whispering to Simon, horrified)

The four of them are sharing a bed?

ALAN

Tonight’s actually the first night we left them with a sitter, and I gotta say, it feels so indulgent to have a whole hour to ourselves. Things are crazy right now because we’re sleep training Simon’s dad, Frank.

FELICITY

He’s got a bad dose of the apnea.

SIMON

Yeah, I know, he’s--

FELICITY

But no complaints here -- we wouldn’t trade it for the world.

SIMON

I don’t get it. Why would you want our parents to move in with you?

ALAN

It was just time, you know. Ready for the next chapter.

TINA

But we have so much fun together-- going out to bars, doing drugs, seeing movies...

SIMON

Yeah, and all our wilderness adventures and trips to the naked hot springs...

ALAN

Guys, we can still do those things. Well, obviously not drugs or drinking on account of their aging hearts. Or going out to noisy restaurants like this one, since it aggravates Duncan’s hearing aids.

FELICITY

Or anything too active, since Barbara’s got limited mobility. And, of course, Alice doesn’t like to watch movies with subtitles.

SIMON

We know-- they’re our parents!

ALAN

But we can definitely all still go to the naked spa together!

TINA

Hard pass.

FELICITY

We’re also looking forward to lots of early lunches!

ALAN

Yeah, early lunches work better for us than dinner, since Frank’s c-pap machine only works if he gets 14 hours of shut-eye.

TINA

I feel like this came out of nowhere.

FELICITY

Guys, we were always planning on having your parents move in with us. Ever since we met you.

SIMON

Even that one time when we rented that house in Cabo and we were all drunk and jumping on the bed shouting “No parents!”  Even then?

FELICITY

Even then. I mean, it’s not like you can have that kind of fun forever.

SIMON

Why not??

FELICITY

‘Cause you reach a point where you just want to stop being close friends with people your own age.

Instead, you want to be responsible for other beings who crush your freedom and make you do things you’re not interested in.

ALAN

Like canasta.

FELICITY

Or antiquing.

ALAN

It’s not that we like those activities, but we enjoy doing them with your parents, watching their old little brains at work.

FELICITY

Honestly, I’m a little shocked. I thought you’d be happy for us...

ALAN

Yeah, frankly, you guys are being a little selfish.

TINA

We’re being selfish? But they’re our parents!

SIMON

If you wanted to hang out with older people, why didn’t you just have your parents move in with you?

FELICITY

Uh… because that would be weird.

ALAN

Yeah, dude, that’s what nursing homes are for.

           

Blackout.