CAST
COPPELLI: a hot-air balloon pilot [a balloonero] with a showy, old-timey air. Morbidly fixated on
hot air balloon fatalities.
MEL: a bright-eyed and unflappable amateur balloon enthusiast.
ARCHIE: Mel’s husband, a good sport who’s afraid of heights and regrets being talked into this.
Coppelli, Mel, and Archie are ascending in a hot air balloon, the ground hundreds of feet beneath them. Coppelli pilots the balloon with toggles.
COPPELLI
So, folks, is this your first odyssey in a hot-air balloon?
MEL
Yes, and it’s even more glorious than I imagined it! Isn’t it magnificent, honey?
Archie is clutching the ropes and refuses to look down.
ARCHIE
(nervous) Yes, magnificent. Glad you’re enjoying it, dear. Now, how long did you say the tour was?
COPPELLI
We’re aiming to touch down by three, but it all hangs on mother nature. And, if there’s one thing we ballooneros know, it’s that Mother Nature is a fickle mistress, and we her mere playthings.
ARCHIE
(laughs nervously) Playthings? Playthings how?
MEL
Don’t worry, sweetie. I’m sure we’re in good hands with Mr. Coppelli here. After all, he holds the world’s fastest record for circumnavigating the globe by hot air balloon.
COPPELLI
I simply rode the air currents Dame Nature gave me.
MEL
Oh, honey, look down there! (pointing in the distance) Isn’t that Mount Henley?
Archie keeps his head fixed firmly upward.
ARCHIE
(nervous) Hmm? Oh yes, stunning…
MEL
Mount Henley is where Archie and I went on our first hike together.
COPPELLI
(matter of fact) What a coincidence. It’s also the site of history’s deadliest hot air balloon accident.
ARCHIE
What?!
MEL
That’s terrible.
COPPELLI
Yes, it was. Terrible carnage. That jagged peak popped the aerostat like a soap bubble.
ARCHIE
Oh sweet Jesus…
COPPELLI
And the sound! Like someone had sat on a celestial whoopee cushion. That is, until the gas-bag combusted and the wicker basket went up in flames. Then pretty much all you could hear were the screams of the burning ballooneros. See, that’s the technical term for people who --
ARCHIE
--Please, for the love of god, stop!
MEL
Honey, what’s gotten into you?
COPPELLI
It’s okay, I get it. Not everyone’s keen to learn the arcane jargon. (looks overhead) But here’s something that might catch your fancy: fix your peepers on that flock of seagulls overhead.
MEL
Wow, would you look at that! Honey, do you see them?
Archie is already looking up, so he actually does seem them.
ARCHIE
(actually intrigued) Yeah, huh. I didn’t think they flew that high up.
COPPELLI
Oh, they don’t usually. But they’re attracted to the balloon. Something about the warp and weft of the aerostat drives them positively mad.
MEL
Fascinating…
ARCHIE
What do you mean mad? Will they attack?
COPPELLI
I certainly hope not, but they might.
ARCHIE
What do you mean they might?!
COPPELLI
You never know when a gull’s liable to snap near an aerostat. In fact, it was a flock of irate seagulls in this very same patch of cerulean that did in the Anderson odyssey last year. That’s why they call it Anderson’s Abbatoir.
ARCHIE
I want to get down now! Please land the balloon!
MEL
Oh honey, relax. I’m sure Mr. Coppelli encountered far greater perils on his record-breaking round-the-world journey? Isn’t that right, Mr. Coppelli?
COPPELLI
(laughing) Indeed I did! And to think it was all by accident...
MEL
What’s that? Breaking the record?
COPPELLI
It was supposed to be a simple lunch-time tour of the Kansas City skyline. Turns out Mother Nature, that cosmic prankster-ess, had other plans for me…
ARCHIE
(full panic) Land this fucking balloon right now!! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
COPPELLI
Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Only thing that riles up a gull more than a balloon is verbal repetition. Learned that one the hard way!
MEL
Verbal repetition?
COPPELLI
Yeah, verbal repetition.
MEL
What do you mean by verbal repetition?
ARCHIE
(pointing at an incoming object) Seagull!!!
Blackout.
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