CAST
TERRY: very special birthday girl, turning the big three eight.
HUNTER: Terry’s aggrieved friend who is sick of celebrating her birthday.
LOLO: Terry’s other aggrieved friend who is really sick of celebrating her birthday and angrier about it.
CHEF K: an elderly chef at Benihana.
Lolo, Hunter, and Terry are seated around the chef’s table at Benihana, while Chef K prepares the meal. Terry wears a conical birthday hat.
LOLO/HUNTER/CHEF K
(singing with weak enthusiasm) “Happy birthday dear Terry, Happy birthday to you.”
TERRY
Yay! Wow, I can’t believe I’ve hit the big three eight! This day feels so special!
HUNTER
Really? ‘Cause it feels a lot like last year’s celebration for the big three seven.
LOLO
Yeah, and the year before that, for the big three six. Same restaurant, same people, same inconsequential milestone.
TERRY
Oh, you guys…. You know I always celebrate my birthdays at Benihana. Ever since I was a kid, when Chef K first threw hot shrimp in my mouth.
Chef K bangs his knife and metal spatula together, signaling it’s time for a shrimp.
TERRY
Oh, here comes one!
Chef K lobs a shrimp into Terry’s mouth. She catches it like a pro, then looks to her friends for adulation.
LOLO
(unimpressed) That happens every year too.
TERRY
Here comes one for you, Hunter!
HUNTER
(waves his hand to decline) That’s okay, I’m good.
Chef K flings a shrimp that hits Hunter in the face and bounces onto his plate.
HUNTER
Goddammit!
TERRY
Your turn, Lolo!
LOLO
Oh fuck here we go…
Lolo tries to react in time, but Chef K fires a line drive that gets her square in the eye.
TERRY
Yay! You guys are the best!
LOLO
(in pain) Ah, I think the tail scratched my retina.
HUNTER
Look, Terry, this is getting ridiculous. It has to stop.
TERRY
Stop what? The shrimp-tossing? ‘Cause that’s Chef K’s signature move.
HUNTER
It’s not just the shrimp-tossing, though toss is hardly the right word. Lolo and I were thinking…
LOLO
Stop all of it! No more shrimp! No more Benihana! No more stupid birthday celebrations!
TERRY
Wait, is this a joke?
LOLO
(displaying his swollen eye) Does this look like a fucking joke? I’m gonna have to go to urgent care.
TERRY
Ok, you guys got me. You two got together to plan this elaborate prank, right?
HUNTER
Terry, we don’t even know each other. The only time we see each other is every March 3 at Benihana, when you force us to buy you dinner and have Chef K assault us with shrimp.
LOLO
You’re an adult, Terry. A thirty-eight-year-old insurance executive, to be exact. Grow the fuck up!
HUNTER
I think what Lolo means is you can’t expect people to be excited about your birthday anymore.
TERRY
But it’s my special day. My own very special day.
Hunter and Lolo look to each other and exchange eye rolls.
HUNTER
Yeah, we know, Terry.
TERRY
I’m not sure you do, Hunter! On this exact day, exactly thirty-eight years ago, a miracle occurred. From nothing came something as I fell steaming from my mother’s vagina…
LOLO
We get it, dude. You were born. Like literally everything that’s alive. Big whoop.
TERRY
Big whoop?!
HUNTER
Look, Terry, let’s just take next year off, recharge a bit, and then maybe we can do something fun for your 40th.
TERRY
(trembling, on the verge of tears) So… let me get this right. You guys are saying… I’m… not special.
Lolo and Hunter exchange uncomfortable looks.
HUNTER
Terry…
TERRY
(sniveling and muttering) Not special, huh? I’ll show you...
Terry wipes the tears from her face, with a new sense of resolve.
TERRY
Chef K! Give me the sea urchin…spines on this time!
Chef K looks at Terry questioningly.
TERRY
You heard me right. Now hit me!
Chef K flings the spiny sea urchin directly into Terry’s mouth.
Lolo and Hunter look on in horror as she works it down, horrible choking and gurgling sounds coming from her throat. She gives one last heroic swallow.
TERRY
Who’s special now, motherfuckers?!
As she speaks, blood pours from Terry’s mouth.
Blackout.
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