Sketch: Barber School

CAST

Steven: an affable lawyer in for a quick haircut

Bones: a troubled man trying for a fresh start in barbering

Big Mike: the owner of the barber school

Bones is brushing off the barber’s chair, while Big Mike watches him.

BIG MIKE

That was solid work, Bones. You keep at it, you’re going to be a full-fledged barber in no time.

BONES

Thanks, Big Mike. I appreciate you givin’ me this opportunity. A lot of folks would’ve been put off, you know, I mean, on account of the whole…

            Big Mike puts his hand on Bones’ shoulder.

BIG MIKE

Hey, just remember: you’re not who you’ve been. You’re who you’re becoming. You got that?

           

            Steven enters the shop in a hurry.

STEVEN

Hi there. Any chance I could get a quick trim and a shave?

BIG MIKE

Sure thing, boss. Have a seat right here. Bones’ll take care of you. Right, Bones?

Bones and Steven briefly lock eyes, before Bones nods.

Steven sits down in the barber’s chair. Bones puts the apron around him.

BIG MIKE

Good man. I’m gonna see how Emilio’s faring with the blow-dryer. I’ll check back on you in a minute.

            Big Mike exits. Bones assumes his position behind Steven and takes up his scissors.

BONES

Trim and shave, yeah?

STEVEN

Yeah, thanks. You’re a life-saver.

Bones looks sternly at himself in the mirror.

BONES

C’mon, Bones, you can do this!          

           

Steven looks bewildered, as Bones begins tentatively trimming Steven’s hair.

STEVEN

Yeah, just stepped off the red-eye from Boston and gotta be in court in less than an hour. And, believe you me, Judge Eldridge does not take grooming lightly.

           

            Bones freezes for a moment, then resumes his trim, more halting than before.

BONES

(awkwardly) So you’re... uh… involved with the legal system. You a lawyer?

STEVEN

Guilty as charged! Insert lawyer joke here.

BONES

I don’t know nothing ‘bout no lawyers, man.

STEVEN

Aw, c’mon, I’ve heard ‘em all. Gimme your--

BONES

I don’t got problems with lawyers, ok?!!

Steven notices Bones’ hand is shaking, with the scissors mere inches from his face.

STEVEN

(nervous) Okay, no problem. No lawyer jokes.

Steven watches as Bones resumes snipping at his hair with shaking hands.

STEVEN

So, how long you been cutting hair?

BONES

Two days.

STEVEN

You don’t say…

BONES

You want me to fade the sides?

STEVEN

(nervous) No, no—nothing fancy. Just a real basic, second-day-of-work kind of trim is fine. So--Bones, is it? -- what did you do before this?

BONES

I was involved with the legal system, too.

            Bones snips at Steven’s hair more aggressively.

STEVEN

No kiddin? [Laughing nervously] Don’t tell me you were a lawyer, too?

BONES

Nah, man.

           

Bones broods as he thoughtlessly tugs at tufts of Steven’s hair and hacks it wildly.

STEVEN

(meekly) Bailiff?

BONES

Nope.

Bones puts the scissors down and picks up a straight razor. He grabs Steven’s head and tilts it up, exposing his neck, the razor trembling in his hand.

            He takes a long deep breath to compose himself. Steven looks on terrified.

BONES

You want me to shave the side burns, too?

STEVEN

(scared) You know, on second thought, I don’t think I need a shave.

            Bones still holds Steven by the hair, with head pulled back.

BONES

Are you sure? I could really use the practice.

            Big Mike returns.

BIG MIKE

How’s everything shaping up here?

BONES

(dejected) He doesn’t want me to shave him.

STEVEN

Sorry, wish I had more time, but I really gotta get over to the courthouse.

BIG MIKE

Courthouse, eh? Did Bones here tell you he used to be a court stenographer?

STEVEN

(relieved) Stenographer? Oh man, I thought… Phew! Why didn’t you say so?

            Bones shrugs.

BIG MIKE

I think it meant a lot to him, being a court stenographer. Isn’t that right, Bones?

           

            Bones nods.

STEVEN

Say, you know what? I still got five minutes. I’ll take that shave, after all.

Bones gingerly lathers up Steven’s neck and cheeks, then brings the razor up to his throat.

BIG MIKE

Yeah, it was a real shame how the carpal tunnel ended his career so suddenly. Wasn’t it Bones?

            Bones’ hand begins to shake again. Steven notices as a troubled look washes over Bones.

BIG MIKE

Yeah, if that damn carpal tunnel hadn’t given him such bad PTSD, he’d never have slit that lawyer’s throat. Isn’t that right, Bones?

            Blackout.