CAST:
ERNEST: An over-eager employee with forced enthusiasm
SUSAN: A customer who just wants a cup of coffee
ROBOTIC ARM: A robotic arm that makes coffee and sounds like the apocalypse
A cafe in San Francisco.
ERNEST stands beside the electronic kiosk at the front. Behind the counter, a robotic arm is busy making coffee drinks.
SUSAN enters.
ERNEST
Welcome in, m’am! Would you like to try our matcha cashew latte?
SUSAN
Nope, just looking for a cup of coffee. So, how’s this work? I’ve never had my drink made by a robotic arm before. Do I order with you?
ERNEST
No, m’am! You order right here at this electronic kiosk and then your order is instantly sent to the robotic arm. The robotic arm then makes your beverage (guaranteed in under 90 seconds or it’s free), and calls your name as soon as it’s ready.
SUSAN
Wow. The robotic arm does all that, huh?
ERNEST
Yes, m’am! It’s incredibly talented, the robotic arm.
ROBOTIC ARM (V.O.)
(in ominous and grating robot voice)
Matilda, you’re soy latte is ready!
SUSAN
Jesus, that’s quite a voice. I think I felt it in my ovaries.
ERNEST
(laughing disingenuously)
Yes, it takes a second to get used to. But, I assure you, m’am, you quickly come to appreciate the sonorous qualities of the robotic arm’s voice.
SUSAN
Really? I find that hard to believe.
ERNEST
Well, the robotic arm is capable of a whole host of feats that beggar belief. You’d never guess its many talents-- its velvety smooth baritone voice being one, as well as its knowledge of human pressure points and orifices.
ROBOTIC ARM (V.O.)
Vijoy, your iced vanilla macchiato is ready!
SUSAN
Holy christ! That thing’s voice sounds like someone dropped their retainer in the garbage disposal while riding through a tunnel on BART. How can you stand it?
ERNEST laughs nervously.
ERNEST
Ohhhh, it doesn’t sound like that at all! Unless, of course, a retainer, upon falling into the whirling blades of a garbage disposal, resonates like the spring melody piped on a wood nymph’s pan flute. For that is precisely how sweet the voice of the robotic arm is!
SUSAN
Dude, are you okay?
ERNEST
I’m wonderful, m’am! Why would you ask that? You’re acting as if I’m being held here against my will by the robotic arm…
(Discreetly nods)
… which I most certainly am not.
SUSAN
Wait, what?
ERNEST
I mean, it’s not like the robotic arm has burned my passport, frozen my bank account, and is leaving me threatening voicemails. That would be a truly ludicrous thing to allege about a robotic arm!
SUSAN
Uh…. yes. That would be… totally ludicrous.
ERNEST
What were you thinking, m’am? That the robotic arm has a massive inferiority complex about its voice?
(Vigorously nods)
And that the only reason the robotic arm employs me is to countermand the endless stream of wildly offbase remarks about its vocal stylings, which are, to tell the truth, (shouting for all to hear) OF SUCH A CRYSTALLINE TAMBOR AS TO MAKE AN ANGEL WEEP?!
SUSAN
I… I guess...
ERNEST vigorously shakes his head.
SUSAN
I mean, no. Of course not.
(whispering)
What the hell’s going on here?
ERNEST nervously looks over his shoulder.
ERNEST
(with hollow and desperate cheeriness)
So that was a small coffee you wanted, right, m’am?
SUSAN
You know, on second thought, I’m thinking maybe I’ve maxed out on caffeine today. I think I’ll just--
ERNEST
You’re in luck! The robotic arm make a delicious cup of decaf through its own patented steam-filtration system!
Ernest mouths “Please help me!”
ROBOTIC ARM (V.O.)
Ernest, your brown eye depth charge is ready!
SUSAN
Mother of god, that sounds like the apocalypse! Wait, did it just say ‘brown eye depth charge’?
ERNEST has an ashen look. His fake smile has vanished. He nods.
SUSAN notices Ernest’s nametag.
SUSAN
Say, is that your name the robotic arm just called?
ERNEST nods gravely.
SUSAN
Did you order a brown eye depth charge?
ERNEST shakes his head gravely.
SUSAN
‘Cause I don’t even see it on the menu…. I mean, it sounds more like an enema….
(horrified)
Oh god!! I’m so sorry.
Blackout.
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