CAST:
DR. GROSSMAN-- a gross doctor.
MR. LERMAN-- a bewildered patient.
SETTING:
Examining room in a doctor’s office.
DR. GROSSMAN is examining his patient with the stethoscope, listening to his chest.
DR. GROSSMAN
Uh-huh… I see. Well, this confirms what the x-rays showed.
MR. LERMAN
Please don’t keep my in suspense, Dr. Grossman. Is it bad?
Doctor grossman takes the stethoscope out of his ears.
DR. GROSSMAN
I’m gonna be honest with you, Mr Lerman. Your immune system is a real pussy.
MR. LERMAN is taken aback by the colloquial language.
MR. LERMAN
Okay, very funny. Wasn’t expecting the locker room talk, but, seriously, Doc, what’s going on with me? I keep catching colds, and then it takes forever to get rid of them.
DR. GROSSMAN
That’s because your immune system is quite the pussy. Nothing funny about it, in my opinion.
MR. LERMAN
(rolls his eyes)
Look, I get it. My immune system’s weak. That’s why I’m here.
DR. GROSSMAN
It’s not weak at all. In fact, it appears to be a very strong pussy.
MR. LERMAN
Can you please just use medical terms?
DR. GROSSMAN
Mr. Lerman, the white and red blood cells in your immune system have undergone a process of transformation, wherein they have recombined to form a fully functional, finely-trimmed, and all-around attractive pussy.
MR. LERMAN
What? No, that can’t be true.
DR. GROSSMAN
Granted, I’m no gynecologist, but it really is one of the best I’ve seen. Truly stunning.
MR LERMAN
This makes no sense. I want to see the x-rays for myself.
DR. GROSSMAN
I’m sorry, I’m afraid those aren’t available right now.
MR. LERMAN
What do you mean? You said you had looked at them.
DR. GROSSMAN
I have. But they’re not here at the office.
MR. LERMAN
Well, then where are they?
DR. GROSSMAN
They’re, um, at my home office.
MR. LERMAN
Your home office? Wait a minute, what’s going on here?!
DR. GROSSMAN
Mr. Lerman, you need to face the facts. You no longer have an immune system. Instead, you have a beautiful, pink, pouty-lipped pussy. One that makes me dream of being on the nude beaches of the Cape d’Agde in the heat of July.
MR. LERMAN
I knew it! You took home those x-rays of my immune system so you could masturbate to them, didn’t you?
DR. GROSSMAN
Mr. Lerman, when people undergo a health event, it’s normal to feel confused, even angry. But it’s important to manage expectations.
MR. LERMAN
You’re telling me this is my fault?!
DR. GROSSMAN
It’s nobody’s fault. That’s precisely my point. It’s just a matter of perspective. Sure, you no longer have the ability to fight off disease on your own. But look on the bright side: you’re walking around with a Danish porn-grade pussy rattling around inside you, one that would be the toast of every swingers’ circle on the Cape.
MR. LERMAN
You’re a filthy pervert! It’s doctors like you who give medicine a bad reputation!
Spotlight on DR. GROSSMAN.
DR. GROSSMAN
And its patients like you who make me realize why I got into medicine in the first place. The wonder of nature. The marvel of the human body. The fundamental mystery of life. It all comes from the pussy.
Dr. Grossman gently touches Mr. Lerman’s chest.
DR. GROSSMAN
You now hold that mystery inside you, Mr. Lerman.
Spotlight shifts to Mr. Lerman.
MR. LERMAN
(suddenly awestruck)
I… I… guess I never thought of it that way before, doctor. I hold the mystery of nature inside me.
DR. GROSSMAN
Yes, and thanks to modern medicine, I now hold a picture of that mystery at home in my sock drawer next to a tube of Astro-glide.
Blackout.
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