CAST:
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ: a no-nonsense cop at the end of his rope
DEVIL’S MAW: a hard-ass biker gang dude, member of the Allies of Satan
DREW LURM: an officer from Human Resources
A police interrogation room. DETECTIVE SANCHEZ looms threateningly over the suspect DEVIL’S MAW.
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ
I’m gonna give you one more chance to confess, dirtbag, and then I’m gonna get medieval on your ass. Now, talk!
DEVIL’S MAW
I ain’t got shit to say to you, pig. Do your worst!
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ
Alright, have it your way.
(Speaking into intercom)
Send in Lurm from HR.
(to Devil’s Maw)
This is gonna be worse than any beating you’ve ever gotten.
Enter Drew Lurm, balding, with a ponytail, and a beaming smile. He’s carrying a tote bag.
DREW LURM
Well, hi there, team.
Devil’s Maw scoffs.
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ
He’s all yours, Lurm.
DREW LURM
Allow me to break the ice. My name’s Drew Lurm. He/him. I’m the department’s performance coach and human capital manager and I’m here to facilitate this interrogation. Now, I like to start every meeting with an inspirational quote from Pinterest.
LURM pulls out a print-out of a Pinterest screen capture.
DREW LURM
Just printed this out this morning. Hot off the presses. It says: “Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can.”
Detective Sanchez and Devil’s Maw both cringe.
DREW LURM
Wow, I think that’s something we can all relate to. Now what, may I ask, is your name?
DEVIL’S MAW
Devil’s Maw.
DREW LURM
My, what an inspiring name. It’s so nice to see mothers getting credit for the work they do. Hashtag moms are heroes.
DEVIL’S MAW
No, not ma-- maw! You know, like the jaws of Satan?
DREW LURM
Ooh, that’s original! I like it. Extra points for creativity there. Now, before we get started, could you tell me your preferred pronouns?
DEVIL’S MAW
My what?
DREW LURM
Your preferred gender pronouns.
DEVIL’S MAW stands up in indignation.
DEVIL’S MAW
What the hell’s that s’posed to mean?! You callin me a sissy?!
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ
Sit down, scumbag! He’ll call you whatever he wants to call you, you piece of shit!
DREW LURM
Now, Detective Sanchez, we’ve been through this before. You know what happens when we use triggering language…
Lurm pulls out a jar of dollar bills and shakes it.
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ
Ugh, crap.
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ pulls out his wallet and forks over a buck. Lurm looks at him
expectantly. He puts another dollar in the jar.
DREW LURM
Now, Devil’s Mom, you were saying you preferred--
DEVIL’S MAW
Devil’s Maw! And if you question my manhood again, I’m gonna pistol whip you with my dick!
Detective Sanchez looks is about to lose it again, but Lurm puts his hand up to stop him.
DREW LURM
Ok, let’s try channeling that negativity into a productive and positive outlet. Personally, I find there’s no better stress buster than a healthy snack combined with a mindful adult coloring book.
LURM pulls out a juice box, a bird-themed coloring book, and some crayons and slides them across the table.
DEVIL’S MAW
I aint colorin’ shit.
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ
You’ll color every goddamn bird feather in every goddamn page in that book! Or I’m gonna shove those crayons down your fucking throat! You got that, asshole?!
DREW LURM
Detective!
DETECTIVE
Aw frig! Sorry.
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ puts three more dollars in the swear jar.
DREW LURM
Go ahead, Mr. Devil’s Mole. You sip your juice and color that majestic eagle, while you tell me what happened last Friday night, April the 25th. You were at that liquor store, right?
DEVIL’S MAW
I ain’t sayin’ shit.
DEVIL’S MAW sips his juice. DETECTIVE SANCHEZ grows enraged, barely keeping a
lid on it.
DREW LURM
You know what? Let’s share perspectives. Here’s where I’m coming from: my goal is to empower you to tell your story, so that you can realize your core values and we can all boost our productivity and wellness. Now it’s your turn. What are your goals?
DEVIL’S MAW
Uhh… well... I guess my goals are to cut the balls off every last member of the Hellcats, take over their corner of the meth market, and become chief of the Allies of Satan.
DREW LURM
That’s wonderful. It’s so important to dream big. And it’s really admirable that you aspire to be an ally. It’s one of my own core values. Now, what would you say are the biggest obstacles standing in the way of accomplishing your dreams?
DEVIL’S MAW begins coloring.
DEVIL’S MAW
Well the Hellcats, for starters. And Hunchback Pete’s always givin’ me shit…
DREW LURM
Sorry, let me just stop you there. Let’s be sure to avoid any derogatory language. So your associate, Differently-Abled Pete... Please continue.
DEVIL’S MAW
Alright. So Hunchback Pete--
DREW LURM
Uh-uh-uh…
LURM mouths “Differently-Abled Pete.”
DEVIL’S MAW
Yeah, Differently-Abled Pete, whatever. Anyway, he’s always cramping my style, making me feel ashamed of who I am and what I do. Like, last Friday, when I gunned down that liquor store clerk, he was all like…uh….
(realizes what he just let slip)
...Never mind.
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ
Motherfucker! Did you hear that? We got you, you stupid son of a bitch!
DREW LURM
Detective, how many times do I have to say it? This triggering language is not appropriate in the workplace! What if Mr. Devil’s Moan is an incest survivor? Or the dyslexic child of a single mother with a mood disorder?
DEVIL’S MAW
Check and check.
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ
But didn’t you hear him? He just confessed. He said he killed the guy!
DREW LURM
I was paying attention to Mr. Devil Meow’s body language, so I can neither confirm or deny what he said. But what I can confirm is that his posture is hunched and closed off and communicates a sense of feeling threatened. He clearly doesn’t feel safe with you in the room.
DEVIL’S MAW
I don’t. In fact, I feel a little… uh…you know...
DREW LURM
Triggered?
DEVIL’S MAW
Triggered! Yeah, that’s it-- this pig’s triggerin’ me!
DREW LURM
Detective, it’s essential that we create a safespace here in order for all of us to thrive. I’m afraid I’m going to have to realign our personnel and de-staff this interrogation.
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ
What the hell’s that mean?
DEVIL’S MAW
It means you’re fired, asshole!
Blackout.
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