Sketch: Dunk-Tank Clown

Dunk-Tank Clown

by Peter Mann

CAST

JACKO: A morally conflicted dunk-tank clown at a state fair, trying to drum up business in sensitive times.

JACKO:

Step right up, folks. Three throws for a dollar. Do you have what it takes to Drown the Clown? Don’t like the trash I talk? Then try your best to shut me up!

Boy, do I see some poor human material out there. A sea of limp wrists and arms weighed down by subcutaneous fat. A whole lot of cross-eyed dum-dums who look like they couldn’t hit the broadside of their wife’s ass. No sir, I’m not too worried about getting wet with this crowd!

Hey everyone, get a load of this guy—sir, you look like someone left your face in the oven too long. What’s the matter? Havin’ troubles at home? Pull a Sylvia Plath, and then chicken out at the last minute? Ah, don’t cry, baby Huey. [beat] Hey, seriously man, I didn’t mean it like that…

[to himself]

Jesus, look what you did to that poor man. I didn’t cry like that at my father’s funeral. I thought we agreed we weren’t going to make fun of looks anymore. And then first thing you do is go for a cheap shot about his swollen face.  Followed by a suicide joke?  This has to stop.

[to crowd]

Aw would you look at that— a young couple in love! I can almost smell the syphilis from here. Miss, how much is this creep paying you to pretend you’re his date? Judging by your boots, I’m guessing you charge by the hour. Where’d you find her, sir? On the street corner huffin’ glue? Playin’ hooky from high school? Wait a minute, sir, don’t I recognize you from TV? Yeah, you’re that guy from “To Catch a Predator!” Hey everybody, we got a real live sex offender here! [beat] Easy, sir, it was just a joke. Look, pal, I’m sorry, okay? Oh, you’ll be waiting in the parking lot for me after the fair? Well, get in line!

[to himself]

What did we just say? Do you like being mean? ‘Cause that was mean! How would you like it if you were just minding your business and someone called you as a sex offender? Not so much, huh? Then why do you do it? And don’t tell me it’s in your blood. Just because your grandfather was a dunk-tank clown and your father was a dunk-tank clown doesn’t mean you have to be a dick. You have a choice. There are ways to tease people artfully.

[to crowd]

Oh boy, check out this convention of winners here. Seriously, you guys look like you just escaped from the idiot farm. What is this—field trip day from the halfwit house? What? It is a school field trip? No, I didn’t realize it was a special needs class. I thought they were, you know, just normal funny-looking kids. Yes, now I realize that. Yes, I am ashamed of myself. 

[to himself]

Unless you change now, you’re going to die like your old man—waterlogged and alone. That’s it, one more season on the fair circuit, and then I swear I’m done. I’ll sell the tank and that’ll give me enough to finish school. Then I can start a new career as a counselor, or a social worker, or a life coach. Anything, so long as it’s positive! I want to help people. Now go earn that college money and make your dreams come true.

[to crowd]

Hey, lard ass! Save some corn-dogs for the rest of us!

            Blackout.