Sketch: Dessert?

CAST

THADDEUS: a proud waiter who takes dessert seriously

DARREN: a reasonable customer on a date with his girlfriend

LOLA: Darren’s refined and cosmopolitan girlfriend

SETTING: a fancy restaurant.

            The waiter Thaddeus wheels out a cart featuring four different desserts and theatrically parks

it beside Darren and Lola’s table.

THADDEUS

Now, did anyone save room for dessert?

DARREN

            (laughing)

Oh, not me. Too stuffed. 

            (to LOLA)

How bout you, babe? Dessert?

LOLA

            (laughing)

Oh, I couldn’t possibly.

            Thaddeus’s smile fades. His body stiffens, as he clears his throat.

THADDEUS

            (not amused)

I’m sorry, did I say something funny?

DARREN

Uh… no?

            Lola shakes her head at THADDEUS.

THADDEUS

Then why did you laugh?

Darren and Lola exchange looks.

DARREN

Did we laugh?

LOLA

I don’t think we laughed.

THADDEUS

            (pissed)

Oh, you most certainly did. Laughed like you don’t even take dessert seriously.

DARREN

Well, you know what they say-- sometimes dessert is but a trifle. Get it, trifle? Like the dessert?

           

THADDEUS and LOLA both stare blankly at DARREN.

DARREN

It’s a British thing.

LOLA

            (to THADDEUS)

I’m sorry. It was not our intention to laugh. We are just very full.

THADDEUS

Oh, you’re full. (Shouting to other diners) Hey everyone, they’re full! That’s strange… cause you weren’t too full for your appetizer.  Or your entrees. You scarfed those right down.

DARREN

Yeah, that’s why we’re full. Because we ate them.

THADDEUS

Oh, and I guess dessert’s just… optional?! Is that it?

LOLA

Yes, precisely.

            (to DARREN)

Baby, should we get the check?

DARREN

Yeah, good idea--

THADDEUS

            (unhinged)

I bust my keester all night long humpin’ plates of slop to dingdongs like you. Why? Because, at the end of a soulless parade of meats and vegetables and bready-things, I experience one glorious and redeeming moment when I trundle out this magnificent cart of convections!

DARREN

            Look, guy, I think you’re blowing this out of--

THADDEUS

But you wouldn’t even let me name them! Look at these treasures-- banoffee pie, creme brulee, olallieberry crumble, and a triple chocolate decadence cake!! All things you don’t deserve!

DARREN

Oh, well, I do like banoffee pie.

THADDEUS

(imitating DARREN) “Oh no dessert for me, teeheehee. I ate too much. I can’t pace myself during a meal. Hardy-har-har. I have poor  executive function.”

DARREN

Is that supposed to be me?

            (to LOLA)

Is that what I sound like?

LOLA

Of course not, amor...

THADDEUS

            (to LOLA)

And you! (Holds his nose up, doing a snobby imitation of LOLA) “I couldn’t possibly! I would rather lick my own pristine butthole than eat your dessert!”

            DARREN stands indignantly and shouts at THADDEUS.

DARREN

Alright, that’s enough! How dare you talk to her like that!

            LOLA tugs DARREN gently by the arm and makes him sit down.

LOLA

It’s okay, amor. (Beat.) He’s right.

THADDEUS

I knew it!

LOLA

I would rather lick my own butthole than eat those disgusting cakes and pies.

Meanwhile, DARREN has become distracted by the dessert cart.

DARREN

            (to Thaddeus)

Now,  banoffee… is that banana and toffee, or banana and coffee?

LOLA

Shut up, Darren. This surly young waiter here has made me realize something about myself I’ve never admitted until now.

DARREN

What, that you don’t like dessert?

LOLA

No. That I have a profound, irrepressible desire to lick my own butthole. Not to lick someone else’s butthole and not for someone else to lick my butthole. Just me, on my own, licking my own butthole. Preferably after a nice meal.

DARREN

            (to Thaddeus)

You know, on second thought, I think I’ll have a slice of that banoffee pie.

THADDEUS

            (bowing)

Very good, sir.

            Blackout.