CAST
NARRATOR: guy with a TV announcer voice
GUY FILETTI: the Guy Fieri-like host of Extreme Reading
CANDICE: librarian of the Special Collections room of the New York Public Library
TILDA: a well-read spectator
SETTING: The Special Collections Room of the NYC Public Library.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
From the producers who brought you Extreme Eating, the Discovery Channel is proud to bring you this season’s new hit: Extreme Reading!
We see GUY FILETTI emerge from behind a stack of books spinning a dictionary and a
phone book on each of his index fingers.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Follow Guy Filleti as he hits the road in his flame-decaled Volvo station wagon in search of America’s biggest, craziest books to see if he has what it takes to be a truly… Extreme Reader!
GUY FILETTI
Gimme your juiciest, your spiciest, your most rockin cowabunga book-a-reeno, and I’ll read it! The bigger the better!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
This week’s episode: The White Whale.
GUY FILETTI and CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN stand in the reading room of the NYCPL special collections.
GUY FILETTI
So here we are in the Big Juicy Apple, NY Cit-ay, in the Special Collections room of the Public Library, home to a whole lotta books and the old stompin’ ground of America’s most extreme, big bad daddy-o of American letters, the golden tuna himself, Herman Melville. You might have heard of one of his books: MOBY DICK? Uh, yeah, that Herman Melville. Dude knew how to get his word crank on, am I right?
CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN
Uh… yes. I suppose you could say that. Mr. Melville was quite prolific, although…
GUY FILETTI
So for those of us, those people that is, definitely not me, who haven’t read Moby Dick, what’s it all about? Just plot, no spoilers!
CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN
Well, in terms of plot, it’s rather simple: It is about a young man’s journey aboard a whaling ship, The Pequod…
GUY FILETTI
Oooh, Spicy!
CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN
Yes, well, and the Captain, Captain Ahab’s obsessive and ultimately doomed quest to hunt the white whale, Moby Dick.
GUY FILETTI
You’re making my Moby Dick hard just talkin about it! Reading boner!
CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN
Well, we have the 1854 first edition in our collection. I suppose you are welcome to…
GUY FILETTI
Nice try, darlin’. But this is “Extreme Reading.” And we’ve heard that Melville wrote a book so big, that it makes Momo Dick look like a little kiddie’s cocktail weenie.
CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN
Well Moby Dick was certainly the longest book Melville published, though perhaps The Confidence Man or Pierre were more formally experimental and challenging than…
GUY FILETTI
I love it when you talk dirty to me, you old dust box. But, seriously, which book is that?
GUY FILETTI points to a huge set of hand-bound folio volumes on the bottom shelf.
CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN
Oh, those are the log of daily reports that Melville made in his twenty years as customs officer for the Port of New York. But I don’t think anyone in their right mind would consider reading it…
GUY FILETTI
Challenge accepted!!
GUY leaps up and grabs the folios from the shelf. He brings them to the table and starts
furiously turning the pages.
GUY FILETTI
Whew! This book packs some serious heat!
Crowd cheers.
GUY FILETTI
But all in all it’s a bodaciously tasty book.
GUY FILETTI lifts the book up to show the audience.
GUY FILETTI (CONT)
We got a solid cover that holds everything together, keeps your hands clean. Then this finely sliced yellow paper is where all the action is. See how all the pages are laid evenly on top of each other so you don’t have break your momentum. And we got little numbers in the corner so you can keep track of where you are, in case you need to go grab another brewsky to help wash it down.
Then these words here—marbled with a lot of nouns and verbs, some sneaky little adjectives, and a whole lot of big numbers—that’s where the spice kicks in. This guy Melville definitely knew what he was doing. And he wasn’t afraid to bring the hurt!
The librarian looks like she’s never seen someone so idiotic.
GUY turns the final page and closes the book. The crowd goes wild.
GUY FILETTI
Whoooo! That was one rockadelic peener-poppin cheese-o-licious brain-bomb of novel!
GUY makes devil horns sign and sticks his tongue out to mug for the crowd.
CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN
Actually, it’s not a novel at all. And there is definitely no cheese on it.
GUY FILETTI
Not impressed, huh? Alright, you old bookworm tease, what’s your greasiest, bacon-wrapped jumbo-tron of a novel that you dare me to demolish in under an hour?
CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN
Uh.. well that question is almost too idiotic to merit an answer, but I’m quite certain you couldn’t read Proust’s six-volume novel In Search of Lost Time in anything less than a month.
GUY FILETTI
Challenge accepted!
CANDICE shrugs and fetches the volumes of Proust. She drops it on the table in front of GUY.
GUY FILETTI
Alright, start the clock!
CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN
I fear I’ve just done irreparable harm to Proust’s legacy.
GUY starts tearing through the pages.
GUY FILETTI
I tell you what, this bad boy ain’t messin around. My man Marcel can sling some serious book hash!
An excited spectator TILDA edges her way to the front of the crowd.
TILDA THE SPECTATOR
Mr. Filetti, Mr. Filetti, which episode from Marcel’s childhood is your favorite so far?
GUY FILETTI
Oh man, they’re all some totally tasty bites, sister. Gnarly, but mad tasty!
TILDA THE SPECTATOR
Are you alluding to Proust’s use of taste to trigger memory?
GUY FILETTI
Yeah, it reminds me of that wicked nacho chili cheese dog I ate this morning for breakfast.
(Burps)
You feel me?
TILDA THE SPECTATOR
What did you think of Charles Swann’s love affair with Odette?
GUY FILETTI
I think it was mucho spicy! A love affair with a swan— now that’s rock n roll!
TILDA looks very confused and disappointed.
TILDA THE SPECTATOR
Are you even been reading the book?
GUY FILETTI
Uh, duh! What do you think I’m doing here, lady? I’m taking this sucker down, one page at a time!
CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN
I’ve been watching you. You move your lips like a remedial reader, but you’re not even mouthing the words that are on the page.
GUY FILETTI
What? No. That’s not true!
TILDA THE SPECTATOR
I bet you can’t even read!
GUY FILETTI
(flustered)
Can’t read? That’s ridiculous. I’m Guy Filetti-- extreme reader!
CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN
Then prove it. Read the beginning of that page aloud.
GUY FILETTI
(visibly nervous)
Um….fine. No problem.
Guy looks down at the book and pretends to read aloud.
GUY FILETTI
“Well, Charlie the Swan,” said Ornette, licking the grease from her lips. “You sure make one rock ‘n roller-tastic peener-poppin double mushroom bacon cheeseburger!”
Blackout.
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