Sketch: Art Museum Tour

CAST

HOWARD: a smug museum docent

ALVIN: a museum visitor with unorthodox opinions about art

STEPHANIE: a stupid museum visitor

JOJO: an even stupider museum visitor

SETTING: A museum gallery

HOWARD

Now, this next piece is a recent acquisition and is very special. It was recently discovered in a chateau in Belgium, where it had been in an aristocratic family’s possession for over three hundred years. Can anyone guess who it’s by?

STEPHANIE

Picasso?

HOWARD

Not quite. I’ll give you a hint. It’s the work of an Old Master, noted for his many landscapes and depictions of the Flemish peasantry.

JOJO

Madonna!

HOWARD

Not a painter, I’m afraid. In fact, it was Pieter Bruegel the Elder. You may recall some of the familiar motifs from “Landscape with the Fall of Icarus.” The foregrounded peasant, the bright palette, the elliptical composition…

            ALVIN raises his hand.

HOWARD

Yes sir, you have a question?

ALVIN

Yeah, why’d he paint all those dicks?

HOWARD

I’m sorry, sir, I must not have heard you correctly…

ALVIN

            (shouting)

I said, why’d he paint all those dicks?

HOWARD

Uh.. I don’t believe there are any dicks in the painting, sir.

ALVIN

            (scoffs)

Bro, open your eyes. There’s like a whole field of dicks right there on the left, coming out of the ground.

HOWARD

I believe those are trees.

ALVIN

Then how come they got no leaves, dude?

HOWARD

Because it’s a winter landscape?

ALVIN

So you’re telling me those are trees? And what’s that supposed to be, a frozen pond? And those are like some boring-ass peasants ice fishing?

HOWARD

Yes, I would say the iconography is self-evident, but what makes the painting fascinating--

ALVIN

Laaaame! You think Bruegel became famous by painting that snooze-o-rific crap? Naah, bro.

JOJO

            (to Alvin)

Why? What do you see instead?

ALVIN

I see an alien picnic in a field of dicks. It’s clear as day.

STEPHANIE

You know, I did think there was something kind of alien-y about that spaceship.

HOWARD

There is no spaceship in the painting! And, I assure you there is no field of dicks or picnicking aliens!

STEPHANIE

Then what’s that big gray spaceship thingy with the pointy top on the right?

HOWARD

That’s a church! The pointy thing is a church! Need I remind you Bruegel was a 16th-century painter? There were no spaceships back then.

JOJO

There would be if aliens brought them.

STEPHANIE

Yeah, or if time were a circle.

ALVIN

Yeah, or if that peasant was actually a time-traveler in disguise!

JOJO/STEPHANIE

Oooooh, yeah!

            HOWARD looks like he’s gonna lose his mind.

HOWARD

I will stake the fate of my immortal soul on the fact that Bruegel did not paint time-travelers, aliens, or, god help us, a forest of penises!

STEPHANIE

But, I mean, isn’t art, like, subjective?

JOJO

Yeah, what if this painting’s like that white and gold striped dress from the internet a couple years ago?

STEPHANIE

You mean the blue and black one?

JOJO

No way! It was sooo white and gold.

           

HOWARD

Ok, it was clearly white and gold. But that’s not the point!

ALVIN

I saw white and gold, too. Just like in this painting I see a couple aliens who landed their spaceship in a field of dicks to have a picnic with a time traveler in order to learn all the secrets about Ancient Egypt.

HOWARD

Hold on, did you say Ancient Egypt?

ALVIN

Yeah, you know the mystery of the pyramids and mummies and shit like that.

HOWARD

Ok, now that’s not totally crazy. ‘Cause Bruegel, as is well known, was a Rosicrucian, and the Rosicrucians came from the Knights Templar, and the Knights Templar trace their origins back to the masons who built the pyramids of Egypt. And you see that sun? See how many rays it has? Thirteen! Precisely the same number as the Rosicrucian sun, symbol for divine alchemy, and exactly the same number of pyramids in the necropolis at Giza!

STEPHANIE

I don’t know... That interpretation seems a little forced.

JOJO

Yeah, I still like the field of dicks.

            Blackout.

Sketch: Exciting News

CAST

FELICITY: a proud friend and mom of sorts

ALAN: a proud friend and dad of sorts, Felicity’s husband

SIMON: a jilted, fun-loving friend

TINA: another jilted fun-loving friend, Simon’s wife

Setting: a hip restaurant in the Mission on a Saturday night.

            Alan and Felicity sit at the table opposite their friends Tina and Simon.

FELICITY

So guys, Alan and I have some exciting news…

           

            Alan puts his arm around Felicity.

TINA

            (turning to Simon in a panic)

Crap, honey, is this what I think it is?

SIMON

            (wincing)

Oh god, I think so.

           

Simon interlaces his hand with Tina’s to brace for the news.

FELICITY/ALAN                                                                                                                               

We’re friends with your parents!                                             

TINA

Wait, what did you say?

ALAN

We’ve become friends with your parents!

FELICITY

Like best friends!

SIMON

So you’re not having a baby?

FELICITY

No way, not us. I’m totally barren and Alan’s got a kink in his hose.

SIMON

And you’re not moving to Portland?

            Alan and Felicity shake their heads.

TINA

But... why are you friends with our parents?

ALAN

Uh… because they’re wonderful people and they bring joy to our lives.

SIMON

My parents?

FELICITY

Yours and Tina’s both. Frank, Alice, Duncan, and Barbara-- they are all so adorable. I can’t even imagine what our life would be like without them.

SIMON

Uh… I don’t know what to say. Are you guys hanging out like a lot?

FELICITY

Like pretty much every day. We actually wanted to have dinner with you guys tonight to tell you the big news…

            Tina and Simon brace themselves again.

SIMON

Oh god, you bought a house in Pleasanton, didn’t you...

FELICITY/ALAN

Your parents moved in with us!

TINA

What? Are you serious?

SIMON

This is weird.

FELICITY

I know it’s a big transition. We barely finished painting their room and putting together the bed before they arrived. Bonkers!

TINA

            (whispering to Simon, horrified)

The four of them are sharing a bed?

ALAN

Tonight’s actually the first night we left them with a sitter, and I gotta say, it feels so indulgent to have a whole hour to ourselves. Things are crazy right now because we’re sleep training Simon’s dad, Frank.

FELICITY

He’s got a bad dose of the apnea.

SIMON

Yeah, I know, he’s--

FELICITY

But no complaints here -- we wouldn’t trade it for the world.

SIMON

I don’t get it. Why would you want our parents to move in with you?

ALAN

It was just time, you know. Ready for the next chapter.

TINA

But we have so much fun together-- going out to bars, doing drugs, seeing movies...

SIMON

Yeah, and all our wilderness adventures and trips to the naked hot springs...

ALAN

Guys, we can still do those things. Well, obviously not drugs or drinking on account of their aging hearts. Or going out to noisy restaurants like this one, since it aggravates Duncan’s hearing aids.

FELICITY

Or anything too active, since Barbara’s got limited mobility. And, of course, Alice doesn’t like to watch movies with subtitles.

SIMON

We know-- they’re our parents!

ALAN

But we can definitely all still go to the naked spa together!

TINA

Hard pass.

FELICITY

We’re also looking forward to lots of early lunches!

ALAN

Yeah, early lunches work better for us than dinner, since Frank’s c-pap machine only works if he gets 14 hours of shut-eye.

TINA

I feel like this came out of nowhere.

FELICITY

Guys, we were always planning on having your parents move in with us. Ever since we met you.

SIMON

Even that one time when we rented that house in Cabo and we were all drunk and jumping on the bed shouting “No parents!”  Even then?

FELICITY

Even then. I mean, it’s not like you can have that kind of fun forever.

SIMON

Why not??

FELICITY

‘Cause you reach a point where you just want to stop being close friends with people your own age.

Instead, you want to be responsible for other beings who crush your freedom and make you do things you’re not interested in.

ALAN

Like canasta.

FELICITY

Or antiquing.

ALAN

It’s not that we like those activities, but we enjoy doing them with your parents, watching their old little brains at work.

FELICITY

Honestly, I’m a little shocked. I thought you’d be happy for us...

ALAN

Yeah, frankly, you guys are being a little selfish.

TINA

We’re being selfish? But they’re our parents!

SIMON

If you wanted to hang out with older people, why didn’t you just have your parents move in with you?

FELICITY

Uh… because that would be weird.

ALAN

Yeah, dude, that’s what nursing homes are for.

           

Blackout.

Sketch: Welcome to Fartville

CAST

RONNIE: guy in the passenger seat, returning to his hometown.

CALEB: the driver and Ronnie’s friend.

Ronnie and Caleb are driving along a state highway.

RONNIE

Well, here it is-- the town I grew up in.

           

We see the road sign: "Welcome to Fartville."

CALEB

Fartville?! That's hilarious! What, is it because everyone here farts a lot?

RONNIE

Haha. Very funny. That's soooo original.  Actually, it's because our town's founder was a very famous French trapper named Gustav LeFart. And if you knew anything about the history of the region, you would know the 't' is silent.

CALEB

Silent T, huh?

RONNIE

Oh, here's Main Street. Turn here. This takes us through the historic center of Farville (pronouncing it correctly with the silent T).

They drive down the quaint historic district of Fartville, which seems like a         

quaint and idyllic American town from a bygone era… except everyone is farting, and in the most egregious manner.

The preacher talking to his parishioners on the steps of the church lifts his leg to fart.

A boy chasing a spinning wagon wheel down the street pauses to crouch and fart.

Two girls in bows and pigtails on a porch swing fart in tempo with the swing. 

The hotel bellboy bends down to carry a fancy guest's valise and rips a huge fart.

The saloon keeper in the doorway farts into a pint glass and then rubs it with his apron.

A bronze statue of Gustave LeFart shows him posed with leg lifted and strained face.

Caleb looks at his friend incredulously, like he can't believe he just saw all those people farting.

CALEB

Are you freakin’ kidding me?

RONNIE

I know, right? I forgot how conservatively everyone dresses here.

Blackout.

Sketch: Extreme Reading!

CAST

NARRATOR: guy with a TV announcer voice

GUY FILETTI: the Guy Fieri-like host of Extreme Reading

CANDICE: librarian of the Special Collections room of the New York Public Library

TILDA: a well-read spectator

SETTING: The Special Collections Room of the NYC Public Library.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

From the producers who brought you Extreme Eating, the Discovery Channel is proud to bring you this season’s new hit: Extreme Reading!          

           

We see GUY FILETTI emerge from behind a stack of books spinning a dictionary and a

phone book on each of his index fingers.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Follow Guy Filleti as he hits the road in his flame-decaled Volvo station wagon in search of America’s biggest, craziest books to see if he has what it takes to be a truly… Extreme Reader!

GUY FILETTI

Gimme your juiciest, your spiciest, your most rockin cowabunga book-a-reeno, and I’ll read it! The bigger the better!

NARRATOR (V.O.)

This week’s episode: The White Whale.

GUY FILETTI and CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN stand in the reading room of the NYCPL special collections.

GUY FILETTI

So here we are in the Big Juicy Apple, NY Cit-ay, in the Special Collections room of the Public Library, home to a whole lotta books and the old stompin’ ground of America’s most extreme, big bad daddy-o of American letters, the golden tuna himself, Herman Melville. You might have heard of one of his books: MOBY DICK? Uh, yeah, that Herman Melville. Dude knew how to get his word crank on, am I right?

CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN

Uh… yes. I suppose you could say that. Mr. Melville was quite prolific, although…

GUY FILETTI

So for those of us, those people that is, definitely not me, who haven’t read Moby Dick, what’s it all about? Just plot, no spoilers!

CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN

Well, in terms of plot, it’s rather simple: It is about a young man’s journey aboard a whaling ship, The Pequod…

GUY FILETTI

Oooh, Spicy!

CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN

Yes, well, and the Captain, Captain Ahab’s obsessive and ultimately doomed quest to hunt the white whale, Moby Dick.

GUY FILETTI

You’re making my Moby Dick hard just talkin about it! Reading boner!

CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN

Well, we have the 1854 first edition in our collection. I suppose you are welcome to…

GUY FILETTI

Nice try, darlin’. But this is “Extreme Reading.” And we’ve heard that Melville wrote a book so big, that it makes Momo Dick look like a little kiddie’s cocktail weenie.

CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN

Well Moby Dick was certainly the longest book Melville published, though perhaps The Confidence Man or Pierre were more formally experimental and challenging than…

GUY FILETTI

I love it when you talk dirty to me, you old dust box. But, seriously, which book is that?

            GUY FILETTI points to a huge set of hand-bound folio volumes on the bottom shelf.

CANDICE THE  LIBRARIAN

Oh, those are the log of daily reports that Melville made in his twenty years as customs officer for the Port of New York. But I don’t think anyone in their right mind would consider reading it…

GUY FILETTI

Challenge accepted!!

            GUY leaps up and grabs the folios from the shelf. He brings them to the table and starts

furiously turning the pages.

GUY FILETTI

Whew! This book packs some serious heat!

            Crowd cheers.

GUY FILETTI

But all in all it’s a bodaciously tasty book.

GUY FILETTI lifts the book up to show the audience.

GUY FILETTI (CONT)

We got a solid cover that holds everything together, keeps your hands clean. Then this finely sliced yellow paper is where all the action is. See how all the pages are laid evenly on top of each other so you don’t have break your momentum. And we got little numbers in the corner so you can keep track of where you are, in case you need to go grab another brewsky to help wash it down.

Then these words here—marbled with a lot of nouns and verbs, some sneaky little adjectives, and a whole lot of big numbers—that’s where the spice kicks in. This guy Melville definitely knew what he was doing. And he wasn’t afraid to bring the hurt!

The librarian looks like she’s never seen someone so idiotic.

            GUY turns the final page and closes the book. The crowd goes wild.

GUY FILETTI

Whoooo! That was one rockadelic peener-poppin cheese-o-licious brain-bomb of novel!

GUY makes devil horns sign and sticks his tongue out to mug for the crowd.

CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN

Actually, it’s not a novel at all. And there is definitely no cheese on it.

GUY FILETTI

Not impressed, huh? Alright, you old bookworm tease, what’s your greasiest, bacon-wrapped jumbo-tron of a novel that you dare me to demolish in under an hour?

CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN

Uh.. well that question is almost too idiotic to merit an answer, but I’m quite certain you couldn’t read Proust’s six-volume novel In Search of Lost Time in anything less than a month.

GUY FILETTI

Challenge accepted!

CANDICE shrugs and fetches the volumes of Proust. She drops it on the table in front of GUY.

GUY FILETTI

Alright, start the clock!

CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN

I fear I’ve just done irreparable harm to Proust’s legacy.

            GUY starts tearing through the pages.

GUY FILETTI

I tell you what, this bad boy ain’t messin around. My man Marcel can sling some serious book hash!

An excited spectator TILDA edges her way to the front of the crowd.

TILDA THE SPECTATOR

Mr. Filetti, Mr. Filetti, which episode from Marcel’s childhood is your favorite so far?

GUY FILETTI

Oh man, they’re all some totally tasty bites, sister. Gnarly, but mad tasty! 

TILDA THE SPECTATOR

Are you alluding to Proust’s use of taste to trigger memory?

GUY FILETTI

Yeah, it reminds me of that wicked nacho chili cheese dog I ate this morning for breakfast.

            (Burps)

You feel me?

TILDA THE SPECTATOR

What did you think of Charles Swann’s love affair with Odette?

GUY FILETTI

I think it was mucho spicy! A love affair with a swan— now that’s rock n roll!

            TILDA looks very confused and disappointed.

TILDA THE SPECTATOR

Are you even been reading the book?

GUY FILETTI

Uh, duh! What do you think I’m doing here, lady? I’m taking this sucker down, one page at a time!

CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN

I’ve been watching you. You move your lips like a remedial reader, but you’re not even mouthing the words that are on the page.

GUY FILETTI

What? No. That’s not true!

TILDA THE SPECTATOR

I bet you can’t even read!

GUY FILETTI

            (flustered)

Can’t read? That’s ridiculous. I’m Guy Filetti-- extreme reader!

CANDICE THE LIBRARIAN

Then prove it. Read the beginning of that page aloud.

GUY FILETTI

(visibly nervous)

Um….fine. No problem.

           

Guy looks down at the book and pretends to read aloud.

GUY FILETTI

“Well, Charlie the Swan,” said Ornette, licking the grease from her lips. “You sure make one rock ‘n roller-tastic peener-poppin double mushroom bacon cheeseburger!”

            Blackout.