Thank you, Donald Trump, for finally bringing the long marginalized issue of native birth to the forefront of the American political scene. Here I thought “birtherism” was a live issue only for ignorant yokels and racist crackpots. Turns out it’s also a serious concern for plutocratic celebrity whores—who also happen to be ignorant, racist crackpots.
But I find your nativism infectious. Now that we’ve cleared up the circumstances of President Obama’s birth, it’s time to investigate the shadowed origins of other American politicians. Seeing as how you’recurrently polling as the top GOP presidential candidate for 2012, let’s start with you, The Donald:
What unfortunate vagina did you pop out of, sir?
Or was it an anus?
I don’t mean to offend you, as I realize insulting a person so encased in his own narcissism is like trying to shoot the pope when he’s in his bullet-proof glass-encased pope-mobile.But I ask only because your resemblance to a gilded, sun-bleached turd is uncanny. And the possibility of you being not a man but a megalomaniacal piece of excrement might pose citizenship problems.
Does floating in the befouled water of a Brooklyn toilet count as being born on American soil? I’m not so sure. I therefore demand you show the American people your birth certificate proving that you are of woman born.
But that’s just the beginning of my conspiracy theory. I also have a strong unfounded suspicion that Donald Trump is only one of many thousands in this country who claim to be natural-born Americans, but who are, in fact, high density formations of bowel movement.
These imposters constitute the overwhelming majority of the Tea Party movement. That they try so hard to cloak their dubious citizenship status behind American flags, tri-corner hats, and constitutional rhetoric betrays them only further (as though the maleficent odor wafting from their mouths didn’t already give them away).
What am I saying? That our nation is infested with an army of illegitimate ass babies posing as real American citizens? You said it. That means there are now two of us saying it, which means my conspiracy theory must be true.
Read the rest of this piece at Hypervocal.com
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