Selling Out

Dear readers, I’m feeling the pinch of the economy. In order to buy my weekly gruel, I’ve had to lease my column out to advertisers. Fortunately for you, not to the same advertisers that have leased out space on my forehead. Otherwise, you would be reading the words “Enjoy Scruggs’ Whole Meat Nuggets” for the next 700 words, without experiencing the pleasure of the adorable dancing nugget that wiggles when I blink.

Although I would like to take this opportunity to say that Scruggs, a family (style) farm operated by the Nihilex Corporation, has been producing the finest naturally flavored Whole Meat Nuggets that you’ve come to know and be strangely chemically addicted to since 1973. Of course, I receive compensation for the Scruggs Dancing Nugget I sport in two-tone color above my eyebrows. But I assure you there was no financial incentive for the Scruggs Super Bowl XXXII Nugget-Off glow-in-the-dark tattoo that shines through my underwear–that appeared after a hazy night out on the town in the company of two Scruggs Nugget employees with a vial of GHB and a penchant for prank tattoos.

Just so you know, I’m not the type of guy who goes around hurling reckless accusations of being slipped the date rape drug by Scruggs employees. But I know for a fact they did because they left this message on my phone: “Hey P.G., remember us? We’re the two Scruggs employees who slipped you the date rape drug. Yeah, and we tattooed that huge glow-in-the-dark Super Bowl Nugget-Off ad on your ass!”

Initially, I was considering litigation, but then Scruggs came to me with an offer I couldn’t refuse. They threatened to smash my fingers into splinters unless I agreed not to file suit. As compensation, however, they did offer to send me a shipping crate of Scruggs Whole Meat Nuggets and tattoo the Scruggs Dancing Nugget on my forehead. I told them that if they left the date rape drug out of it this time, we would call it a deal. I’ve always loved that dancing nugget.

But love and money are two different processed meat products. And while I may love Scruggs’ nuggets, Bickelmeyer’s pork berries pay the bills:

The following is a paid advertisement by Bickelmeyer’s Old Country Partially Dehydrogenated Pork Berries, a member of the Domicorp Group:

Do you know what’s in your nugget?…Scruggs, subsidy of the Nihilex Corporation, may look like your average God-fearing Midwestern mom-and-pop genetically modified industrial chicken farm, but what if we told you it was really a terrorist training ground, nourishing al-Qaeda one nugget at a time? What if you were to learn that Osama bin Laden has stayed alive all these years thanks to a steady supply of Scruggs Whole Meat Nuggets? That’s right, the nuggets you feed your family may be costing us thousands of innocent American lives.

Did you know Scruggs imports nuggets to a place called Venezuela, a SOCIALIST country? Did you know that socialism is a diabolical plot to rid the world of private healthcare, devised by a Marxist named Karl Marx and carried out by his Oriental henchmen Mao, Stalin and Barack Hussein Obama? Did you know Scruggs means “atheist” in another language?

Why support terrorism and the obliteration of democracy when you can enjoy a delicious freedom-loving, partially dehydrogenated Pork Berry brought to you by Bicklemeyer’s? The folks at Bicklemeyer’s have been cultivating pork berries right here on Main Street* for over 40 years. Our Old Country flavor tastes of a simpler time in America, when kids could play stickball on the streets and munch on a pork berry, without fear of being recruited into a terrorist youth organization or lured into a homosexual marriage. That’s because each pork berry is genetically infused with the spirit of Christendom. Yes, sir, when you bite into a Bicklemeyer’s pork berry, you’re consuming the blood of Christ.

Transubstantiation not enough? Well, after they come off the petri dish, we roll our pork berries in the American flag, sing “I’m proud to be an American” to them and press them between the pages of an abridged two-for-one edition of the U.S. Constitution and the Bible.

Our pork berries are what made Ayn Rand so wonderfully selfish. They’re what Rush Limbaugh gave up painkillers for. And they are the only partially dehydrogenated pork product that Glenn Beck dunks at tea parties.

Bickelmeyer’s Old Country Partially Dehydrogenated Pork Berries. Real American taste to die for!

*Main Street is what we call our industrial labor campus for children in Burma. Educating the community is a top priority at Bickelmeyer’s.